onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
