My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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