you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
