I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
