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i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
