i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
