I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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