Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
