I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
