I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
