Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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