I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
