I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
