I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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