you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
