Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
