Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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