just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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