I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
where am i from again
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
