I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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