i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
