i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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