I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
True strength comes from lack of pants
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
