Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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