we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
