What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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