I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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