Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Your cock deserves a montage
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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