hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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