just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
