my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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