yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
