I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
