this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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