kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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