you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
