My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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