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I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
