I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
