five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
We named our party play list daddy issues
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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