I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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