We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
