I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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