We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
