I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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