I can text with my tongue
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
