I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
