I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
