i love accidental penises.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
