I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
