i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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