What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
