Who wears a wallet chain?!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
